How do you know what your child is actually doing online? If you aren’t omniscient, you don’t. But you can.

Surveillance software was developed for employers who wanted to know how employees were using company computers. The programs can record keystrokes so parents can see IM messages as well as e-mail and blog entries. The software can also capture entire screens so parents can view websites and the other side of IM conversations.

Some critics insist the use of such software at home is spying and will inevitably erode trust between parents and kids. This argument seems flawed. Parents have always supervised children who, almost by definition, don’t have enough self-control or knowledge to make good judgments on a regular basis. In fact, in most situations, parents are considered negligent if they don’t keep track of what kids are doing.

Surveillance software gives parents the opportunity to chaperone their kids online just as they do at playdates, swimming parties, field trips, school dances and other activities. The goal isn’t to “catch” kids doing things they shouldn’t. Instead, surveillance software lets parents see what their kids actually do online so they can correct problem behaviors before they become serious.

Software that filters out inappropriate content has a place when children are very young, but it’s a short-term fix because it makes decisions for kids. What pre-teens and teens really need is an internal sensor that will help them make wise choices about what they do online. In the process of developing these internal monitors, kids will almost certainly make mistakes, not because they are hellbent on getting into trouble, but because they don’t yet have good judgment. Surveillance software lets parents detect these missteps early so they can help kids think through the implications of their behavior and, if necessary, set limits so they don’t get into situations they aren’t prepared to handle.

Also, for most kids, the simple fact that mom or dad could see what they’re doing online brings conscience to computing. After all, even adults admit that the perceived anonymity of being online leads them to do things they wouldn’t do in real life. Knowing parents can check an online log is likely to help kids resist peer pressure or reevaluate an impulsive decision.

In many ways, having a computer without surveillance software is like giving kids permission to party when you aren’t home. Things might turn out fine but it’s not good parenting practice. Because parents have the moral—and potentially legal—responsibility for what their kids do online, the following steps seem prudent.

Tell your kids what you plan to do. Many surveillance programs promote running them in “stealth mode.” This “gotcha” approach to supervision is misguided if only because it models the kind of deceit you are trying to discourage. If you install surveillance software, be upfront about what you’re doing. This is easiest when kids are young and accustomed to more supervision. If older kids protest, explain simply that you are responsible for the family computer so you need to know how it’s used.

Find the right software. Supervision software is only effective if you install a program you can actually use. The idea of recording every keystroke may seem brilliant at first glance, but no parent has the time—or patience—to scroll through every IM exchange. Instead parents need a program with a clear, uncluttered filing system so it’s easy to decide what to monitor. Getnetwise.org provides detailed reviews of available software such as Iambigbrother (iambigbrother.org), an inexpensive program designed specifically for families, and eBlaster (specter.com), a more comprehensive package which includes the option of remote monitoring.

Make respectful use of what you find. Keep the chaperone model in mind. The point isn’t to bust kids or ruin the party but to be sure they observe reasonable limits. If you see things that are worrisome, there’s no need to be confrontational. Talk to your child about your concerns. Listen to his or her side of the story just as you would if there were a problem at school. Be clear about your expectations and establish new rules as necessary. If your child persistently shows poor judgment, withdraw privileges until he or she has the maturity to handle things better.

Obviously, there is a dark side to surveillance. Many parents have the occasional urge to micromanage their kids’ lives, partly to protect them and partly (be honest) because it’s good to feel powerful. Parents who scrutinize every move a child makes on or off line keep them from developing the independence, much less the confidence, necessary to become a self-sufficient adult. Over zealous surveillance really does have the potential to undermine the parent-child relationship because they can’t trust you to trust them.

Trust, however, is different from ignorance. Judiciously used, surveillance software gives parents the same control over the household computer that they’ve always had over children’s backpacks and bedrooms. All are semi-private—unless parents have a reason to be concerned about a child’s well-being. Used with kids’ knowledge and parents’ restraint, surveillance software is just another part of the loving structure kids need to make wise decisions in cyberspace.

@ Copyright, Carolyn Jabs, 2006. All rights reserved.